


A Terrible Bore

by Cakkie



Category: Cats - Andrew Lloyd Webber
Genre: Based on the broadway play, Flirtatious Tugger, Flirting, Jellicle World, M/M, Magic, Mayhem, Naughty Cats, References to cat nip, smitten kittens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 11:11:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20446193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cakkie/pseuds/Cakkie
Summary: After turning down a proposition from two notorious cat-burglar cats, Mr. Mistoffelees is treated to a taste of their trickery. But Rum Tum Tugger has other ideas.





	A Terrible Bore

It wasn't that magical Mr. Mistoffelees denied his existence as Quaxo the chorus cat, or that Quaxo the chorus cat had an alter ego living inside him, but rather, the two were one in the same. Only one other cat, a terrible bore, if you asked Mr. Mistoffelees, knew about his secret. And Mr. Mistoffelees planed to keep it that way...

*

Behind the empty spot near the Junkyard, the original Conjuring Cat twirled under the pale moonlight. One foot on the ground for balance, Mr. Mistoffelees kicked out his other leg with the point of his slipper. A bolt of lightening exploded from the tips of claws, illuminating the night sky in blast of flashing sparks.

“Presto!” he cried breathing deeply.

Powerful magic, old and true, tingled from the tips of his ears to his tail, causing his black and white fur to glitter and sparkle. The young tuxedo tom smiled in awe. He examined his gloves and wondered what trick he should practice next but a strange scent caught his attention.

The autumn bouquet of sweet alyssum mixed with the spice of petty thievery left him sniffing the air. Once or twice he’d picked up the scent during the last Jellicle Ball, but with so many cats attending, he never paid much attention to it... until now.

The crash of a vase smashing and high pitched feminine laughter made his fur stand on end.

Heart in his throat, Mr. Mistoffelees whirled about in a circle.

“Shhh,” a deeper voice this time hushed. “Or it's the end of o'ur plan there, Rump!”

Alone and vulnerable, Mr. Mistoffelees readied his magic. Heckles raised and tail twitching, he swallowed down his fear. While he was no Munkustrap, the young tom knew how to fight.

“You can come out now. I know you're there,” he called into the night.

In perfect unison the notorious, but harmless, cat-burglar cats, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer peaked out from behind and old dresser, a burlap sack draped over their shoulders.

“No need for a fright, Mista Mistoffelees, we’re just havin' a bit of fun or would 'ya say it was _luck_!” The tabby cat known as Rumpleteazer squeaked.

Mistoffelees didn't miss the cheeky expression she shared with her partner in crime.

With a loud _plunk_ they tossed their bags at his feet and cart wheeled in perfect harmony. Rumpleteazer laughed louder than a trio of Junkyard rats and cockroaches combined when they crashed into a trashcan, leaving Mr. Mistoffelees shaking his head.

“So,” Mistoffelees said one hand on his hip, “what's the plan?”

“Oops, 'erd that, did ya?” The stripped tabby cat known as Mungojerrie scratched behind his head helping his partner to her feet. “Well, ya see, Mista Mistatoffoless ol' chum, ol' boi, so glad ya asked! Rump here had the grand idea ta look for ya, and 'ow and behold, 'ere ya are!”

“I'm flattered,” Mr. Mistoffelees feigned politeness with the roll of his eyes. 

“Ya see, we've 'ave been attemptin' to bugler our dinnar tanight, but then they all bloody well and good 'aught us! And since they couldn't decide which cat was which, they's called us 'orrible and locked us 'ot! So we's figured that maybe—

“Hey!” Rumpleteazer came to stand in front of her partner, nose scrunched up in distaste. “We both agreed that _I_ was supposed to ask 'em, 'Jerrie!”

_Ask me what_? Brows raised and his heart thumping in his chest, the young tom tried to play it cool. Pretending to examine his claws, Mr. Mistoffelees squirmed underneath his skin.

“As much as I would like nothing more than to stay and chit-chat,” the younger tom said, “I must bid you a good eve. Farewell.”

Before he could even _alakazam_ and vanish, Rumpleteazer latched onto his arm.

“Wait! 'Jerrie and I want's ya ta join us!”

Mistoffelees frowned.

“Join you? Join you do what?”

Rumpleteazer stepped away and burst into a fit of giggles.

Mungojerrie silenced her with warning look and a gentle jab to the ribs. Arms extended wide, he hollered, “Well, tada! We just like ya and all Mista Mistaofflelees!”

“And your magical dancin' is just so, is just so..._ magical_!” Rumpleteazer hopped.

“Ah, why thank you.” Mistoffelees bowed. “I am touched, however... it's _Mister_ _Mistoffelees _and what exactly do you want?”

“We want’s you and your magic to join us in o'ur burglary efforts, Mista Mistatoffalees! We'd split the profits three ways we would, you'd get your fair share of...” Mungojerrie stopped to count a bunch of nonsense numbers on his paws, “Thirdteen, forty-savan and ten quarters percent! Why, just think, we'd three make one 'eck of a team! Whaddya say?”

Double cart wheeling in a perfect line, the cat-burglar cats somersaulted in a dramatic acrobatic finish, a huge smile plastered on their faces.

Blank faced, Mistoffelees answered, “I say no.”

Rumpleteazer screamed, “_Why the bloody hell not_?”

“Sorry. But my magic is not for sale.”

“Oh, hmph! The Rum Tum Tugger was right! He is rather cool and aloof, wouldn't 'ya say?” Rumpleteazer pouted. “If ya ask me, it's _you_!” She pointed an accusing claw at Mr. Mistoffelees. “Not The Rum Tum Tugger, who’s a terrible bore! Well, I got somethin’ that might just liven’ you up a bit.”

Hell bent on finding whatever she sought, the female tabby bent down and dug through her sack.

“Found it!” she squealed, holding up a small pouch.

Mr. Mistoffelees rubbed a nervous twitch behind his ear. “Found what?”

Rumpleteazer turned. Something about the way she smiled at her partner made his stomach drop. _I don’t like this_... he thought backing away. The next thing he knew the orange tabby cat blew a strange green dust in his face.

“Ah-ah-_achoo_!” Mr. Mistoffelees sneezed and dancing autumn strips rippled before his vision.

Over come with dizziness he dropped to ground with an unceremonious thud. High pitch laughter floated around his ears he thought he heard, “_There_, _that ‘a teach ‘em_,” and then everything went dark.

*

Magical Mr. Mistoffelees laughed. He laughed so hard he couldn’t fathom what was so funny in the first place. Perhaps the moonlight shining like a spotlight tickled his funny bone. _Time for a show_, he thought, springing to his feet. The tuxedo tom whirled so fast he lost his footing and fell over laughing. _Well_, _so much for that_. He wondered if the moon liked card tricks instead and laughed harder.

“Well now, this is a surprise.”

Eyes hazy, Mr. Mistoffelees lifted his gaze.

A smug Rum Tum Tugger stood atop a trash bin, his two thumbs tucked into his silver rhinestone belt. With a hop and not a care in the world, he sauntered towards him.

“What, may I ask, is so funny?” he asked rocking to and fro on his leopard printed boots.

Mistoffelees rubbed his eyes. Tugger and his large golden fluffy mane always made a dazzling introduction, not that he ever planned on saying such a thing.

“Two cats,” he mumbled.

Tugger crouched next him. With the tilt of his head he pulled a contemplative face. “I've been with two cats before.”

Silenced, Mistoffelees squinted before doubling over with laughter.

“Why, why, you're.... _you're unbelievable_!” he spat between giggles.

“Well, I never!” Tugger grinned broadly. “Can it be true? Have I, the great and curious cat thawed the heart of the magical Mister Mistoffelees?”

“What are you on about?” he asked.

“Don't scoff and don't deny. You just admitted I was unbelievable.”

“Unbelievable?” Mistoffelees arched a thick black brow. “Yes, yes you are. Like the time you attempted to kick a ball at my head and missed unbelievable.”

“Hmm, pity. And here I was thinking I finally had you in the palm of my paw.”

“Paw? That reminds me, there were two cats, Tugger. Two.” He held up his claws.

“Yes, you've said that, and yet,” Tugger paused to inhale the curve of his neck longer than necessary. Laughing, Mr. Mistoffelees squirmed and pushed the larger cat aside.

“Funny, you don't smell as if you've been with two cats,” Tugger said.

“I have! Or I was?” He shrugged.

“If you say so.” Tugger's lip curled in a doubtful scorn.

“But I turned them down.”

Interest burning in his eyes like wildfire, Tugger inched closer. “Oh? And why was that?”

“They wanted me to do something I didn't like.”

“And what do you like, my cute little kitten?”

Mistoffelees stretched back displaying his agile body.

“I am not a kitten.”

The way Tugger eyed his slender frame, hot and lingering, didn't go unnoticed by the younger cat.

“No,” Tugger said sultry and low, “I dare say you are not. Turn around.”

That commanding voice turned his insides to jelly. Mr. Mistoffelees didn’t bother putting up a fight and laid flat on his stomach. It should have come as a surprise when Tugger straddled his thighs and started kneading out the knots in his back but he easily relaxed and purred louder than a freight train.

Head resting on his arms, the young tom closed his eyes and drifted off into a peaceful catnap.

“You know,” Tugger began in a seductive purr, “you never told me which cat you mated with at the last Jellicle Ball.”

Mistoffelees cracked open an eye and flicked an ear. “Hmm?”

“Who,” Tugger leaned down to whisper, his breath hot and ticklish, “did you mate with?”

Their eyes met and fireworks crackled between them. Tugger was close, so close all the younger tom had to do was reach up and pull him in for a kiss. But he wasn't some Queen in heat. Mr. Mistoffelees was magician _extraordinaire_ with a cool and aloof reputation to uphold.

_No one_, he wanted to say. _I mated with no one_. But a wave of jealousy hit him.

“None of your business.” He elbowed the larger tom to the side. “But I know who you picked.”

“Ooh, what a thrill! Watching me now, Quaxo?”

Mr. Mistoffelees rolled his eyes. “You really are awfully annoying.”

“Says who?”

“That song!”

“What song?”

“Your song.”

“Sing it then.”

“Okay, fine, I will.” Sitting up on his haunches, Mistoffelees cleared his throat and sang, “_The Rum Tum Tugger is awfully annoying_.”

Tugger's exuberant grin sank into a frown. “It's artful and knowing.”

The tuxedo cat continued in a bouncing rhythm, “_The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore. He doesn't care for a fish or a mouse or a rat or a door_.”

“That's not how it goes.”

“_So nobody's gonna do-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-him! And there's no doing anything abou-a-wow-wow-t it_!”

Mistoffelees lifted his hands high in a grand finale. Speechless, Tugger stared mouth agape.

“My dear Mistoffelees, that was quite a blow to my ego.” Tugger clutched his heart in a playful act of wounded pride. “How is it that a marvel like you can be so obtuse when it comes to me?”

“Obtuse? Marvel? _Me_?”

Tugger hopped to his feet and showily burst into song, “The greatest magicians have something to learn, from Mister Mistoffelees' conjuring turn.”

The black and white tuxedo cat stared wide-eyed clutching his paws together. He loved this song. Magic, music, and Tugger singing with his heart in his voice left the tuxedo tom enchanted.

Like a siren luring a sailor into deeper waters, Tugger wandered backwards, serenading the younger cat, “Oh, well, I never, was there ever... a cat so clever as magical Mister Mistoffelees.”

“The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious cat.” Mr. Mistoffelees jumped to his feet in song.

A smirk curved at the corners of Tugger's mouth. “And we all say...”

“The Rum Tum Tugger doesn't care for a cuddle.” He flounced after Tugger.

The more mature tom gripped his forearm and drew Mistoffelees in close, their mouths mere inches apart. “Only if it's from you,” he said deep and husky.

Time stood still as Mr. Mistoffelees searched those warm amber depths. Heat pooled in his stomach and his knees went weak when Tugger growled low in his throat. Queens be damned. He wanted Tugger.

Palms flat, he pressed his body chest to chest with the larger cat. Tugger smelled like heaven, an invitation to sex and all things unknown. _More_! _More_! _More_! His mind screamed. With the gentle press of his hips, a pleased groan escaped the much larger cat. In a flash, Tugger gripped Mistoffelees by the waist, rotating his lean torso in a slow circle.

“Tugger,” Mr. Mistoffelees breathed.

Mouth parted, his breath hitched when Tugger ran his knuckles along his cheek in a soft caress.

_This is it_! Mr. Mistoffelees heart beat in his chest like a caged bird. He closed his eyes as Tugger leaned towards him.

Breathe mingling and lips almost touching, Tugger nudged their foreheads together before stepping back.

“Mmm,” he hummed. “_No_.”

Dismayed, Mr. Mistoffelees opened his eyes. He tried not to let the sting of rejection show and asked, “Why not?”

“Because I am not one to take advantage.” Tugger held up a finger as if schooling a student but regret danced behind his ochre eyes. “And I want you to come to me as you are. Not like this. I should have known. I can smell it on your breath.”

“Pardon?”

“Your breath,” Tugger circled. “It smells.”

Mr. Mistoffelees let the words sink in. “You smell!” he raged, electricity sparking from his claws.

A slow hearty laugh escaped Tugger. “Your breath smells of _Nepeta Cataria_. Or catnip, if you are so inclined.”

He blinked at Tugger and it all came rushing back. The notorious cat-burglar cats, their strange proposition of magic and thievery and even stranger, the green dust.

A light bulb flicked on in his mind and it dawned on him. “You mean to say... I’ve been drugged?”

“I’m afraid so. Come,” Tugger soothed, draping a protective arm over his shoulders. “Let’s get you home.”

Escorted away from the Junkyard, Mr. Mistoffelees didn’t bother looking back.

With the moon gleaming behind the clouds, they tread in companionable silence. It wasn’t long before Tugger said, “You’re wrong you know.”

Tucked into his side, Mistoffelees glanced at the the larger cat.

They slowed to a leisurely pace as Tugger shifted his eyes to Mistoffelees. “I did not mate with anyone during the last Jellicle Ball.”

The admittance came as a shock. The tuxedo tom swallowed a nervous lump in his throat and tried to keep his racing heart and breathing in check. “But, I saw you.”

“That was for show. Much like the performance you gave, no mating took place. I watched you too. You were exquisite. So beautiful is my magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Next time, you will mate with me.”

Their eyes locked with an unspoken promise and a shiver ran through Mr. Mistoffelees. But he wouldn’t fawn over the flirtatious cat that easily.

“Mark my words, Tugger,” he said lifting his chin with a reserved tilt, “there’ll be no next time. You blew your chance tonight, such a terrible bore.”

“I think not.” Tugger smiled. “I think not at all.”

*

It wasn’t that magical Mr. Mistoffelees objected leaving the Jellicle world for the Human one, but after shifting into a regular cat once more, everything changed. Only one other cat, a terrible bore if you asked Mr. Mistoffelees, did not. And Mr. Mistoffelees planned to keep it that way.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little note: I cannot take credit for the line, "The Rum Tum Tugger is awfully annoying" as I saw it posted online on Tumblr. I thought it was really cute so I simply added some silliness of my own to the song. Thanks so much!


End file.
